Kibbutz Ketura

So Kibbutz Ketura....

The kibbutz in which i grew up has given me boatloads of stress for about 3 years now. The last time my family and i went to israel was passover 2006, so about 4 1/2 years ago and when we went to the kibbutz it was really awkward and uncomfortable and I said I never wanted to go back. I would go to israel and not to the kibbutz. On kibbutz everyone lives in their own routine. People are very very social but everything is done by routine, everyoen goes to the lunch and dinner at the usual times, goes to the pool at the usual times, pops by a friends house unannouced. No one is calling each other to say, hey you want to meet up? Which is a wonderful way to live, but as an outsider is quiet daunting, and especially for me, a person who is very scared to invite myself to things for fear of being unwanted, the kibbutz feels like a social awkwardness nightmare. I didnt know when to go to the dinning hall or whose house people were hanging out with so I was alone a lot of the time. Needless to say I did not want to come back.

But that is kind of impossible, be in Israel for 5 months and not visit the kibbutz? unheard of. so Ima and Abba and Ariela went down for Yom kippur and i begrugingly agreed to follow them down for sukkot. I was shitting bricks though, i was on the bus down from Tel Aviv and I wanted to cry. Why did I do this to myself? I am just setting myself up for 4 horrible days.

The moment I got there though, my childhood friends Yahav and Mika (all of us were born within 20 days of each other and we have always been a little triplet. Yahav is the only one who still lives on Kibbutz, though) went on a night hike. I dropped my things off where ima and abba were staying and we did a really nice hike in the full moon down into the kibbutz.

It made me really get it. No matter what, Yahav and Mika will always be in my life. Even if we lose touch its this bond that will always be there, i will always see them again.

The same is true for the kibbutz. no matter what it will always be part of my life. even if i dont go back and live there or go live in israel again i will always return to it even just to say, i once lived here. I am going with my group there next weekend and i feel like it will be like that. i can introduce my new friends to my old life.

so kibbutz surprised me. yes, people were in their own lives and most dont go out of their way to invite you to things and say 'were having lunch at 12, come join us' and that makes things very difficult for me. but it was also a lesson for me to get out of my comfort zone. it sounds like a small step but at school i would never just show up at the dining room and if i see people eat with them and if not ok. I would never do that. After being in middle school and having girls purposefully not include me in things, i have created defense mechanisms for myself. a lot of that has subsided over the years but still going to the dining room on kibbutz alone made my stomach churn. But it was definitely better than i expected. In most cases I saw people I knew and they were more than happy for me to sit with them. At nights I found things to do and even went to this hang out place in the mountains with people I wasnt that good friends with. I didnt feel too alone. Yahav was really a godsend because she really made an effort to invite me to things and include me. I felt really thankful that I had her because I felt like we were really friends and after all this time we were real friends and even though she had her own life she welcomed me.